Do you find yourself saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”?
Do you worry about disappointing people, avoid difficult conversations or find yourself constantly putting everyone else’s needs before your own?
Perhaps you’re the person everyone knows they can rely on. You help, listen, organise and support others but sometimes you’re left feeling exhausted, resentful or simply wondering where you fit into it all.
If this sounds familiar, you may be experiencing people pleasing.
And although being kind, caring and considerate are wonderful qualities, constantly putting other people first can come at a cost.
What is people pleasing?
People pleasing is a pattern of behaviour where you prioritise other people’s feelings, needs or expectations over your own.
It might look like:
Saying yes when you really want to say no
Finding it difficult to express your own needs
Worrying excessively about what other people think
Avoiding conflict at almost any cost
Apologising even when you haven't done anything wrong
Feeling responsible for other people's happiness
Changing your opinions to keep other people happy
Feeling guilty when you put yourself first
Taking on too much because you don't want to let anyone down
You may even know logically that you don't have to keep everyone happy, but still find yourself automatically doing it.
That's because people pleasing can become a deeply learned response.
Why do we become people pleasers?
There isn't one single reason why someone becomes a people pleaser.
For some people, it may develop from early experiences where keeping others happy felt important for maintaining connection, avoiding conflict or feeling accepted.
For others, it may develop later in life through relationships, stressful experiences, low confidence or repeated situations where their own needs were overlooked.
Over time, your brain can learn a simple association:
Keeping everyone happy = feeling safe.
And therefore:
Someone is unhappy with me = something is wrong.
This can make another person's disappointment feel much bigger than it actually is.
The anxiety behind people pleasing
People pleasing isn't necessarily about wanting everyone to like you.
Often, it is about wanting to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that can arise when someone might be disappointed, angry or unhappy with you.
You might think:
"What if they think I'm selfish?"
"What if they are upset with me?"
"What if they don't like me anymore?"
"I should just do it. It's easier."
Saying yes can then provide an immediate sense of relief.
The problem is that this relief can reinforce the behaviour.
Your brain learns:
I felt uncomfortable → I said yes → The uncomfortable feeling went away.
So the next time a similar situation happens, your brain may automatically encourage you to say yes again.
Why saying no can feel so difficult
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The hidden cost of always saying yes
Constantly putting other people first can eventually leave you feeling emotionally and physically drained.
You may become overwhelmed because your own needs continually move to the bottom of the list.
Sometimes resentment can develop too.
You may find yourself thinking:
"I do everything for everyone, but nobody seems to think about me."
Learning to put yourself on the list
Looking after yourself isn't selfish.
In fact, healthy boundaries can improve relationships because they allow you to give from a place of choice rather than obligation.
A useful starting point is to pause before automatically saying yes.
Try asking yourself:
"If I wasn't worried about disappointing anyone, what would I actually want to do?"
You don't always have to answer immediately.
You can simply say:
"Let me have a think and get back to you."
That small pause gives you an opportunity to move from an automatic response to a conscious choice.
You don't need a long explanation.
No is a complete sentence.
How solution focused hypnotherapy can help
If people pleasing has become an automatic pattern, simply telling yourself to "stop caring what people think" isn't always enough.
This is where solution focused hypnotherapy can be helpful.
Rather than focusing solely on everything that has gone wrong in the past, solution focused hypnotherapy looks towards where you want to be and the changes you would like to make.
You don't have to become someone who doesn't care what other people think.
The goal is to become someone who can care about others without losing yourself in the process.
Find out more about my solution focused hypnotherapy sessions or get in touch for a friendly, no-obligation chat.
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